I so agree with you.

How to make it easier, more affordable, less bureaucratic... that's the challenge.

Or as some would say: how to make it more difficult, price-controlled and government-run.

I'm not generally for government run, but the number and variety of agencies out there, all charging outrageous fees - even for children that have come to them through child services - is overwhelming. We learned how easy it is to get a child, once you take race out of the equation, but it broke the bank and severely limited our future options. Now I'm learning what bureaucracy really means.

"Heart breaking but hard reality, that it seems easier for some to believe that this is not happening or that there is a quick fix without adoption in picture."

There was no hope for this child of living in the "utopia" of a land where all children are wanted, supported and loved. Can anyone explain to me why she is better off buried alive than adopted?

Heart breaking but hard reality, that it seems easier for some to believe that this is not happening or that there is a quick fix without adoption in picture.

Abby

"Can anyone explain to me why she is better off buried alive than adopted?"

I certainly can't! The fact that this happens to thousands of children in India every day is sickening. And if international adoption was stopped (as some would have it), how many more babies would be buried alive or sold into the sex trade? Talk about a bleak picture of the future!

This is heartbreaking. But the sorrow your voice is in strange contrast with this:

"Sandra Hanks Benoiton Says:
July 6th, 2007 at 9:00 am

Just wanted to let you know that I’ve apparently been booted off the group where I first saw your blog posted. Seems those ‘angry adoptees’ … man! how they hate that label really makes them, well, angry … are serious about not tolerating any views outside their own. There’s the way to teach and learn, heh?

I’m thinking about throwing a big tantrum — kicking, screaming, shouting “ME ME ME”, “What about MY pain?”

I mean, really! To be dismissed so abruptly from the pity party really hurts. Whaaaaaaaa.

Thing is, I know they’re just shutting me out so they can talk about me behind my back.

Geeez. I’ve not thought about 7th grade in such a long time … "

Feeding the fire of the "angry adoptee" debate does nothing to further the cause of children at risk; instead, the hypocrisy of that approach only weakens it.

Lest you choose a "side," for me: I'm an adoptive parent of two Korean teens who is not anti-adoption.

thirdmom,

I don't "choose a side" for anyone, and have yet to come across anyone in the adoption community who would stand still for that under any circumstance. There is no reason, no need, and no inclination to do anything of the sort.

And before you accuse me of inconsistency ... or worse ... explain first how you equate a baby buried alive by her grandfather with name-calling, taunting, nasty adults who dog pile on anyone taking issue with any iota of their self-centered take. Attempting to highjack a story like this one to discredit me would be passing the limits of belief if I wasn't already far too familiar with the lengths some people are willing to go to push an agenda.

For those who aren't familiar with the brou-ha-ha now taking place in other places on the Web, thirdmom here has lifted a comment I left on the blog of a woman who is in the process of being crucified for voicing opinions on her personal blog. I'd never read this woman until I came across her being vilified on an adult adoptee group I read.

Apparently, anyone commenting that did not take up the torch to burn her at the stake earned equal disparegment. In my case, that involved saying nasty things about me, too, and banning me from the web group. A web group, I might add, that is ostensibly for sharing and educating.

And I'm accused of "feeding the fire"? Since when is disagreeing with someone feeding a fire? Just stomping feet and screaming, 'Don't argue with me!" does not end discussion, or shouldn't.

By the way, thirdmom, I do know who you are, but thanks for your self-definition.

I am not attempting to discredit you, the words are yours, and they are certainly not a simple disagreement with the issues that were under discussion.

I have drawn no parallel between the needs of children you write about in this post and adult adoptee experiences. I simply question the disconnect between the words you write on this blog, and those I read in your comment.

As to the reason I am focusing on your comments and not those of the other commenters - you write here as a staff blogger in a blog forum that is often quoted as representative of the adoption community. To be fair, however, I will "lift" another comment, the one that directly followed yours:

"Maggie Macaulay Says:
July 6th, 2007 at 10:53 am

Wow. There sure is a lot of name slinging and judgement going on here.

Adoption is complex. Feelings may be conflicted and ambiguous. Whether you were adopted, have adopted, or birthed a child who was adopted, coming to terms with feelings & beliefs may be a life-long learning process. The policies and procedures around adoption are changing as is the social view. Are there still suspect ethics, social stigma, incidents of fraud, and illegalities? Yes. Are there people who still view adoption as second-rate and people who were adopted as social outcasts? Yes. Are there people who were adopted who feel disenfranchised and desire and deserve to know their biological heritage? Yes. Fortunately, adoption is evolving. We can all help this evolution by being clear about adoption ourselves at a deep level and by promoting truth over myth.

Any institution, adoption included, can benefit from reflection and reform. We who are connected with and through adoption can benefit from reflection and empathy. Look for where others are right. Help support them in their discovery. Then we will raise adoption to its most helpful place for everyone.

Maggie Macaulay, MS Ed"

As to agenda - if I have one at all, it would be the one Ms. Macauley describes here. I simply question what your words do to further these worthy goals. I apologize for hijacking your blog and would be happy to continue the discussion offline if you would like.

Not a simple disagreement with the issues, certainly, rather a reaction to getting booted off a group for doing exactly that. As for a 'disconnect', how I react to babies buried alive is bound to be different from how name-calling, nasty people impact.

I also agree with Ms. Macaulay and would love to see more reflection and empathy in the adoption world.

I'm happy to discuss adoption anywhere any time and welcome all polite discourse.

And for further clarification, I did not disagree or rebut anything, but was banned from the group nonetheless.

Apologies for not having put my comments on your "brouhaha" posts. I have added my questions there.

However, I would add here for your readers that IAT has guidelines, which state clearly that adult adoptee experiences shared on the list are not there for rebuttal. Disagreement with the adoptee experience in that forum is a much different situation than it is in a forum whose primary purpose is to further debate across all parts of the adoption experience.